Wednesday, April 28, 2010

How do you forgive?

It was a brisk October night. There I was with my best friend at my very first college party! I was so excited to be there. 

That night I met someone that would change my life forever in more ways than I could have ever imagined. I was talking to some friends, I looked across the bonfire to see someone I just HAD to meet. He was standing by one of my other friends so I made my way over to them and introduced myself. He was really nice, really cute and made my stomach do flips! "This is so awesome!" I thought. 

We started seeing each other shortly after that brisk October night, very shortly after. He did not go to the same college, in fact he wasn't in college. He was living with, well I actually do not remember who he was living with but it was a few towns over. We dated for a while. The first few months were great! By December we had given each other promise rings. Then it started. 

Things started going down hill FAST! He started telling me that my mom was crazy and was trying to make me just like her. He would tell me over and over again I do not want to be just another cookie cutter copy. I started missing dance practice to spend time with him. That then led to missing class to spend time with him. By March, I was going to just enough classes to get me by. I was totally wrapped up in this world that he had created for me. I had abandoned my friends, talked to my family just enough so they would not get all weird and start asking questions. 

One cool April night, shortly after Easter he won over. We had a plan and we would put it in place while I was home one weekend. I packed some clothes, not much, just enough to fit in my backpack. I went into my little brothers room and told him to tell mom this was not her fault, and it was not his fault, I just had to do this. I opened my window as quietly as possible, took off the screen (I had practiced this a few times) and off I ran hoping that my mom did not hear me. I waited in the ditch by the mailbox for Sam* and a friend to pick me up. 

That night, I ran away from home and broke my moms heart. 

By this time Sam* had gotten an apartment in Tulsa with one of his cousins and a friend of theirs. We stayed there for a few weeks. I would cook their food and the rest of the time was spent in our room. I would have to stay in the room anytime Jack*, the friend, was home because Sam* was so jealous. Even if everyone was home at the same time, unless I was cooking or cleaning, I had to stay in our room. I was like a slave but yet, I didn't see it then. We did not stay there long, we eventually moved to Sam's* moms house. It was there that things started to get worse. 

Not only was Sam* emotionally abusive he had now become physically abusive. I do not know how long we were at his moms house, but I do remember the night I stood up and made another decision that would change my life again, forever. 

I had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night one night, I tried to be as quiet as I could so I would not wake Sam* up but, I failed. He pulled me to the ground and started kicking me. It was at that point I made the decision to leave. I was so scared that if I didn't get out of there soon I would not make it very long in this life. I called my mom and asked her to come get me, my aunts came to get me a few days later (it may have been the next day). 

To this day I have not told anyone the entire story, not even my mom. I have been so afraid of the emotions, the anger, everything that may come with opening up. To this day I google Sam's* name to make sure he is nowhere near me.

I am really not sure what made me snap out of it that night but I am SO glad I did! Please, if you are in a relationship like this, please know that there ARE people out there that have gone through what you are going through and there ARE people out there that can and will help you get out of the relationship and situation. I know from experience that it does not matter what I say and it does not matter what your friends and family may say, you feel like you can not get out. I promise you can. I know this is a decision you are going to have to make yourself, I know that it is hard, and I know that your friends and family mean well but you may let their words go in one ear and right out the other. I know, I have been there! I survived and I have thrived! You do not have to live like this!

I am now happily married to, what I feel, is the most amazing man in the world! We have two beautiful girls. I love my mom to death and it breaks my heart to think of how much I hurt her. I am so SO sorry, I can not tell you enough how sorry I am. Thank you to all of my friends and family for understanding and forgiving me. I am so blessed to have all of you in my life.

So, there it is and here we are ten years later. I still have not forgiven Sam*, I am really not sure how to let go of all the anger I still have. I do not sit and dwell on this, but of course I think about it from time to time. I know one of these days I will be able to let go of all of it and I hope I will be able to forgive him but right now, I am still very hurt. Almost like it happened yesterday. I hope me getting all of this out will help me let go.

*names have been changed because it is too easy to find out info about people in this day and age and who knows what some of you crazy people would do! ;)

1 comment:

Paulette said...

You are amazing!!! I love you!!